Seven Steps to Learning the Language of Sex to Improve Your Sex Life
Krista A. Bloom, PhD, LCSW
The Language of Sex is a language that we learn by trial and error, or not at all.
Did you know that learning how to talk about sex can improve your sex life? The language
of sex has traditionally been an unspoken language as far as talking goes, but the
body language aspect has remained strong behind closed doors. The language of sex
has either consisted of silence or scandals.
Sex has been a taboo topic for over a thousand years. Maybe you whisper about sex
and romance to your best friends, chat online or read about sex, but sex remains
largely a sinful subject. And yet the whole world seems to know who is sleeping with
Brad, Angelina, Jen, or Ben in the tabloids, and on TV. The media/Hollywood version
of sexuality is not a fair commentary about what happens in the bedroom.
Talking about sex with your partner or communicating in some way about sex may seem
scary at first, but it can help you improve your sex life. So how can you and your
partner begin to break taboo and talk?
Here are the seven steps to the language of sex as a beginner’s guidebook to this
Step 1: Give yourself permission to learn the language of sex. No one taught you
how to speak it before; it’s a fantastic time to learn now. Work through the fear;
you have a right to have a happy sex life!
Step 2: Make a list of what you already know about sex. Whether it is one fact or
a hundred things, just jot down some notes about it.
Step 3: Think about the things that you most enjoy doing sexually. Write down the
top 3 things you like to do sexually. If you are unsure of what those are, think
back to your favorite experiences that involved intimate touching.
Step 4: Try reading the list aloud to yourself about what you enjoy sexually. You
can also add in what else you would like to try sexually.
Step 5: Think of ways that you could share your desires with your partner. Practice
saying aloud: “What I really enjoy is when we…..” (You fill in the blanks; it’s your
sex life after all!)
Step 6: Invite your lover to a sexy and romantic date so that you can start practicing
the language of sex together (this is the fun part!)
Step 7: Try different techniques to express yourself! Start slow and go easy at first.
You can write a short note for them to read, or whisper in their ear, or show them
what you enjoy with your body. Think about the ways your partner likes to receive
things, and what they respond to.
Learning the language of sex may be a bit awkward in the beginning, but it gets easier
and you may find that the sex gets hotter for both of you, because you are able to
have more fun together. One last tip: if you ask your partner a couple of questions
about what turns them on, you will really crank up the heat.
Question: How can I improve my sex life? Do you have any tips for me on how to
keep things interesting for us as a couple?
The quick answer to this question is, it depends! Every person has sexual needs
or affection needs. There is no right or wrong type of sexual activity. It’s all
based on who you are as a person, and whether or not you are match. Here are some
tips to enhance what you might already be doing in (or out of) the bedroom.
1. Talk sexy. Let your partner know what you would like to do to them. Sometimes
you can use intrigue, and set up a surprise for them.
2. Offer a massage. Massage is great for circulation, relaxation, and getting
in the mood for love for many couples. Try warming up some scented massage oil in
your hands. Use slow, firm strokes up and down your partners back, legs, arms, and
feet. This is a technique sure to heat up anyone’s day or night.
3. Read an erotic story: Most bookstores carry erotic story books. Select
one and have your partner close their eyes while you read a sensual story to them.
4. Play in a hot shower. Hot showers are a great place to take your time caressing,
kissing and giggling together. You can even turn out the lights and turn on the
5. Try on a new role. How about some fantasy role play for you? You can pick
out parts to play for the night and act out your sexual fantasies together.
Your ability to ‘get in the mood’ even when you’re not initially can go a long way
to improve your sex life. Take a risk; try something new!
If you want to have a great sex life, then you need to put energy in that direction.
Many couples I see have different ideas about sexuality, and need some guidance or
coaching through these issues. The important thing is to learn what you like and
how to get your needs met!